Nothing But the Rain
by nsane1
Summary: William Adama remembers


_**Nothing But the Rain**_

Rating: G  
Summary: Commander Adama remembers.  
Spoilers: Miniseries, Act of Contrition, You Can't Go Home Again  
Disclaimers: First quote from Lord of the Rings, which doesn't belong to me; the rest are from BSG, which I also don't own. I do, however, own all ideas contained in the story.

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_No parent should have to bury their child._

He remembers those words floating through his head as he watches his son's funeral. Yet here he is, still alive and well while his son, the representation of his son; there is no body to claim from a desecrated Viper, is given a proper military burial in space. He remembers Kara clutching the engagement ring on its chain around her neck that he'd found out about shortly before Zak's death, and Lee clutching Zak's dog tags in his hand. Adama has nothing to clutch, not even his wife, because she is on the other side. They're getting a divorce as soon as possible. They can't talk about Zak's death and without that, they have nothing to talk about. He stares at the coffin and doesn't move his gaze. Zak is gone, and part of Adama has left with his son. He remembers Zak.

_A man isn't a man until he earns his wings._

He remembers saying that when his boys were younger, much younger, can remember them being excited. He remembers standing with them with his helmet near the Vipers, remembers how proud they were. He remembers the first time he let them sit in the cockpit of a Viper, Lee first and then Zak. He remembers their excitement and Zak's fleeting jealousy which faded when Adama let him pin the wings to his shirt. He remembers Lee wanting to wear them, too. He remembers Lee's words at the funeral, how angry they were, how hurtful, how they won't leave, how they haunt him. He didn't realize Lee was right until it was almost too late, but it was better late than never.

_What do you hear, Starbuck? Nothing but the rain, sir._

He remembers the first time he saw Kara Thrace. He remembers seeing her jogging in the rain, drenched to the skin and breathing heavily, wearing the exercise uniform of a flight school officer-in-training. She was too young to be in flight school by a year at least, and he called out for her to stop. She refused until he reminded her that he outranked her commanding officer, and he invited her in. He remembers the first time she and Zak meant, the look that passed between them. The way Zak jumped up from the table and abandoned the model he was making to get Kara a towel and a dry shirt. The way Kara said thank you. He especially remembers that, because he's never heard it again without a 'sir' immediately following it. Kara was a girl without a mother or a father, and Adama took her in. He remembers watching her make Zak smile and Zak making her smile, and he remembers watching Lee, who was always just on the outside. He remembers watching Lee graduating and being proud, and he remembers watching Kara graduating and feeling just as proud. And he remembers bailing a drunken Kara out of the brig, soon after Zak died. That was the only time Kara ever cried, and he remembers holding her.

_Walk out of this cabin while you still can._

He remembers that being the last thing he said to Kara before she took on eight Cylon raiders by herself. He remembers saying that she'd make it, and he remembers how he felt when Dualla reported Kara's transponder and wireless cut out. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Loss. He remembers no longer caring that Kara loved too much to fail Zak, and no longer blaming her for his death. He remembers that if she lay dying on the planet, she's dying thinking he hates her. The guilt eats away. The pain becomes too much to bear. He remembers how determined he became not to lose another child.

_We'll continue the search as long as there's a chance she may be alive._

He remembers saying that over and over again, in different words to different people. President Roslin, Dualla, Lt. Gaeta. He remembers saying it to his good friend, Colonel Tigh, and remembers relieving him of duty when he disagreed. He remembers his will to find Kara. He will not lose another child. He remembers the guilt and despair and devastation and pain growing unbearable as he finally gave the command to leave Kara behind. His daughter, who thinks he hates her. He remembers how it tore his heart out when Galactica turned around, and part of his heart was left with Kara.

_You did good…you did real good._

He remembers not being able to say anything else. He remembers the only way he could express his feeling of relief was to tell her she did good. He remembers how a kiss on the forehead was the only way he could tell her he forgave her a long time before. He remembers how a stogie was the only way he could tell her he loved her. He remembers knowing she understood.

_What do you hear, Starbuck?  
__Nothing but the rain, sir._

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I could use some reviews. my roommate hates me for some reason and i found out by reading her livejournal (she made the link public; it's not like i was spying) 


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